Just tighten your fists and swing away.
Nope. It's more like- loosen the fists in the gloves, relax the shoulders but tuck in the elbows. Step into the punch but stay behind it. Turn at the hips and extend your arm from the body: The force of the hit comes from within, not from the arm. The arm is just an extension.
I am in the midst of trying to make my muscles remember, coordinating the different steps and turns in my body and all I can think is "the arm is only an extension!"
Lately I been feelin, round after round of distraction, renewal, cofusion, redemption, aggravation, repentance, joy, fear, closeness, distance....I am kinda dizzy and utterly exhausted.
I have been struggling with so many mixed emotions, fears, and challenges because I don't know how I am going to do it all- Change my learned behaviours, break my habits, strengthen the weak points of my character, grow in lasting relationships. I am earnestly trying to take the steps I need to become the woman God intended me to be- stewarding my health, my finances, my growth, shepherding the boys and being a supportive friend and sister...I am fighting to Love others truly not because Jesus said so but because Jesus did so!
It is not easy. But what makes it even harder is that I have been trying to do this all from my own might.
A good sister directed me to the word. "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by human effort?" Galatians 3:3
Paul is speaking of observing the law, but I ask you how far are we from that idea now. Sure it's not a law of how and where to sacrifice and what meat you can eat and which you can't and circumcised or not...but perhaps today there is not so much a law, but a standard to live up to. It may look more like- being attractive and healthy, being financialy stable, being up to date with fashions, electronics, and accesories... Maybe the level of authority, or even what crew you roll with.. for real-isn't that what we are all still striving for...acceptance, belonging, beauty, being comfortable. God has taken our brokenness and made greatness, but we still can have a tendency to set out for what we want and really just try to make it happen, all the while loving God. It takes a whole lot of humility for me to realize that. In some ways I have been
I'm simply checking myself. If getting closer to a more idealized comfortable lifestyle is going lead me further from His Holy Spirit I choose to stay uncomfortable, because "Drastic consequences can result when social protocols carry more authority than moral convictions".
A great man mentioned the other day that there were some hills that just weren't worth dieing on. I am really appreciating that statement because I am realizing that I might have been trekkin up such a hill.
Sure I can philosophize on the fact that everything is worth it, that we can learn from any situation, especially our mistakes. But why continue in a mistake if clearly already aware of the upcoming lesson?
Just tonight I realized how present God is. Worshiping "I know you love me" and realizing just how amazing that is. And there I was with my sister Melanie worshipping right beside me and Peyton to the left with his hands opened, actually worshiping Christ whom he just accepted a week ago! I prayed for this! not for myself but for them- to know just how amazing God's love is.
I think of how year ago today I knew I could be a better mother than I was for the boys, but I didn't know how! And I didn't know how that was ever going to be possible considering the situation I was in. But here I am with the boys raising them with love and faith, and just hanging with them and loving with them. It's amazing!
Around the time I was becoming Christian I desired living in a house with single Christian sisters and growing in Christ and going through the life and thought that's impossible I have two boys, but here I am with Melanie and Pam! talking God, and love, and boys and life...
The reality is this: None of this happened by my own might! God was the force and I was only the extension. And what a blessing. So I pray to always maintain the home in my heart where only the Holy Spirit can stay so that I may remain the arm. All of my strength must come from Him, without Him I am only as strong as I am.
I'm glad to have known you during our youth and even more glad to see that you've become a real woman of God.
ReplyDeleteMy mother, who has been battling cancer for the last 10 years, said something to me a few weeks ago that really look my personal and spiritual strength to another level. She told me that that, she knows that God made her a strong woman; a strong person. Yet, she knows she's human and that sometimes we fall, lose sight or come up short. That's where Jesus comes in, she said. "I know that when I'm weak or when I don't think I can fight anymore, that Jesus is there to make up for what I'm not capable or don't have the strength for."
That really spoke volumes to me.